Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
