I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
