You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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