It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
