After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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