Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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