i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
