I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
