First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
worst night to have a conscience
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
