I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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