I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
God, I missed his penis.
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