we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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