Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
