he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
