He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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