My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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