mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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