I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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