There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
