What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize