i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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