i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
