she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
