My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
