I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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