Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
