I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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