Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
