So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
