I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
