Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
