On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
