i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
