When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
