cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
