hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
