So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
