So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
