don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize