i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
