I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm jealous of your bromance
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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