im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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