just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
