it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
