She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
