I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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