Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I need a burrito and a hug.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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