Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
