wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
