i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
