i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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