just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Randomize
