I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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