I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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