You just made me feel so damn special
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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