I wish I could teleport
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
