he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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